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Camels.

Straws.

You know the story.

So, I been thinking---I’m not really very good at what I do, you know? Maybe I should just give it up, on account I just don’t seem to be able to get the hang of it. Maybe get a job at the Wonderburger?

Vinnie, that’s my cousin on my mother’s side? He says I should give it another try. ‘Cos there’s really pretty good money in it. Yeah, that’s right. I said Vinnie…as in Vinnie the cousin who’s doing ten to fifteen for grand theft auto.

Anyway, I’m standing in the parking lot of the 7-11 over near Prospect. It’s late…like 3am…and this old blue and white Chevy truck pulls in. And the guy hops out and goes inside. And he leaves the freakin’ truck running, probably cos it colder’n blazes and raining, like, cats and dogs and shit.

And he doesn’t lock it!

I mean come on! It’s a ’69 Chevy and it looks like it’s just been through one of those ‘French Connection’ car chases you see in the movies. It’s dented and banged up and dirty.

So, I figure why not? I mean the guy is gonna thank me, right?

I jump in and take off. I figure I can unload it pretty quick at Tool’s chop shop, if I tell him I know Vinnie.

So, I’m cruising along and damn if the pile of blankets next to me doesn’t start moving.

Did I mention I’m not very good at this? I shoulda looked to see if there was a passenger, right?

And then the blankets start talking for chrissake! About how some guy named Jim is driving too fast and all of a sudden I look over and the blankets got eyes, big ole eyes staring at me. I don’t see nuthin but them eyes and the ugliest Fargo hat I’ve ever seen.

He tells me I’m not Jim, like I don’t know that. He tells me I don’t wanna be doing this on accounta this Jim dude is a cop…a cop who’s had a very bad day. And who loves this big old butt ugly dinged up truck I’m stealing. He’s telling me all this from under the blankets. He shiverin’ like all get out, but I get the feeling it’s not cos he’s scared.

In fact, he tells me I’m the one who oughta be scared cos this Jim cop-dude is gonna be really pissed if anything happens to sweetheart. That’s right. He called this monsta ugly truck sweetheart.

And this blanket dude just does not shut up.

Next he tells me I’ve added kidnapping to auto stealing and he sure hopes I don’t have a gun too cos then I’ll really be in deep shit when Jim-cop catches me.

Not if…when.

And then he starts babbling about how prison really sucks. And I know this already, cos Vinnie sure don’t seem too impressed by it, ya know?

I try to tell him to shut up, but I can’t get a word in cos he’s been talking non-stop since he started.

He tells me he knows life sucks sometimes and lotsa people got it rough but there are programs that can help and I really don’t gotta do this.

And then, and this is what did it, this is the straw, the absolute fuckin’ last straw, that does it.

I mentioned straws didn’t I? And camels? Right? Get it?

He asks me how is my momma gonna feel when she’s gotta come visit me behind bars?

I pull over and get out and run away as fast as I can and I don’t look back and he’s still talking!

Tomorrow I’m goin’ over to Wonderburger.